We haven’t been blogging . That’s kind of a pattern with the Bells. Make a commitment to ourselves to blog and then break it within a couple of weeks. Blogging is important to us. It’s not about readership, but it’s about being able to communicate the depths of our souls, expressing something in written word we struggle to communicate in spoken word.
But I don’t feel like blogging most of the time. I try to justify it with the whole six kids homeschooling bit, but I always seem to find time to do plenty of other unnecessary things in my day. I don’t want to be raw. I don’t want to mess up. I don’t want someone to disapprove of what I say. I would rather stay bottled up.
My vision for this blog was to be real, to let you see a family who isn’t put together, who isn’t beautiful. But I decided I didn’t want you to see that. I’ve faced opposition here in Naptown, and I’ve decided that’s more important than God’s glory. I want to be closed off, to make sure I don’t look like a Debbie Downer, to keep my convictions to myself.
I wanted to show that the worth of those who are in Christ doesn’t come from our children’s behaviors, the way our church functions, our self-discipline, our physical appearance, the smooth flow of our house, the way we serve. I wanted to show that our worth comes only from the blood of Christ, that he did perfectly what we’ll never be able to do and then covered us. I don’t feel that most of the time, so I don’t write about it. But that was the point in the first place, to write and be vulnerable on the days I didn’t feel it.
Bill sent me this blog today– http://hiddenwithyou.com. I want to be like her when I grow up. I want to be open and vulnerable, truthful about the way most Christian women truly feel. I want to stop acting as though this world is anything more than awful. I want to open up about the spiritual battles that go on inside us as a result. And with contentment I want to long for the day Jesus comes to make all things right. Maybe some of that longing would come if I let you inside more often.