Identity Crisis

We haven’t been blogging . That’s kind of a pattern with the Bells. Make a commitment to ourselves to blog and then break it within a couple of weeks. Blogging is important to us. It’s not about readership, but it’s about being able to communicate the depths of our souls, expressing something in written word we struggle to communicate in spoken word.

But I don’t feel like blogging most of the time. I try to justify it with the whole six kids homeschooling bit, but I always seem to find time to do plenty of other unnecessary things in my day. I don’t want to be raw. I don’t want to mess up. I don’t want someone to disapprove of what I say. I would rather stay bottled up.

My vision for this blog was to be real, to let you see a family who isn’t put together, who isn’t beautiful. But I decided I didn’t want you to see that. I’ve faced opposition here in Naptown, and I’ve decided that’s more important than God’s glory. I want to be closed off, to make sure I don’t look like a Debbie Downer, to keep my convictions to myself.

I wanted to show that the worth of those who are in Christ doesn’t come from our children’s behaviors, the way our church functions, our self-discipline, our physical appearance, the smooth flow of our house, the way we serve. I wanted to show that our worth comes only from the blood of Christ, that he did perfectly what we’ll never be able to do and then covered us. I don’t feel that most of the time, so I don’t write about it. But that was the point in the first place, to write and be vulnerable on the days I didn’t feel it.

Bill sent me this blog today– I want to be like her when I grow up. I want to be open and vulnerable, truthful about the way most Christian women truly feel. I want to stop acting as though this world is anything more than awful. I want to open up about the spiritual battles that go on inside us as a result. And with contentment I want to long for the day Jesus comes to make all things right. Maybe some of that longing would come if I let you inside more often.


8 thoughts on “Identity Crisis

  1. Dear Courtney, The Christian walk is a journey of learning and growing. No one has perfected their daily walk this side of heaven. We are perfectly justified but not sanctified. You know this. Joe gave me a pep talk on Saturday because I was feeling really low and weary, life has been especially hard the past couple years with a lot of change and loss, and extra kids in the house… but Joe reminded me God has put us on this path. God will sustain and provide all we need, exactly when we need it, we have to remain faithful and trust him. We trust Him not only for our salvation but for our day by day, moment by moment sanctification. He has put the struggle and pain there, the weariness, the loss and it is all for our good. We all struggle, don’t delude yourself and think anyone has it all together. All we can do is walk faithfully where God has us at, at this very moment surrendering it all to his will. Love you~Christie

  2. Oh Courtney, my friend. You are so not alone. I struggle with similar doubts and fears and frustrations often. Don’t be afraid to let the world see you. God wants to use you. The real you. Not just the best of you, but all of you, even the flawed parts of you that you want to hide.
    Love you dear friend.

  3. Hello. I wanted to write and thank you for sharing the link for my blog (had some traffic from your site) I can completely relate with this post. I wanted to blog to be able to put those thoughts into written word that are so hard to express in spoken word. I desired a place to work out those deeper struggles that we cannot share over doughnuts in church. But I too do not want to be debbie downer or the party pooper, though many of my posts are not exactly upbeat and positive. I don’t always filter what I write which may not be the wisest thing, but it happens sometimes. This life is hard. Being a mother takes more from us than we have to give. I too long for that peaceful contentment, not dependent upon things going right all the time, but stemming from a deeper joy knowing that our final redemption is drawing nigh. God bless you and your family dear sister in Christ. Sincerely, Rebekah

    • Rebekah, when my husband introduced me to your blog, I told him I thought you might be my sister from another mister. Your posts are filled with the rawness every believer should express. God used them to remind me it’s right and good to be a “Debbie downer and party pooper” so we stop trying so stinking hard to put our hope in ourselves and this broken world, to instead put our hope in the One who already completed the work and to long for the day when the real party gets started. 🙂 I’ve been forgetting that because I fear how others will respond. I hide. I pretend life is fabulous. I begin to trade in real hope for a cheap, fake version. Thank you, beautiful sister, for letting me in through your blog and helping me fix my eyes on the true prize. Please don’t stop.

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