Why We Play Family Games Together

I really thought in writing this post, I’d go through a theology of laughter and joy, showing how God gave us humor and enjoyment as a foretaste of the glorious enjoyment we’ll possess forever in eternity. Then I’d turn that theology toward our proclivity to play as the reasoning for why we play games together as a family.

But we really just play games because it’s fun. And we really like to have fun. I can work my way backwards into it, retconning a relatively convincing answer. But the truth is that we have shelves of games and kids who love games because…we think it’s really fun.

So there’s that.

BUT…I have found that there are a great number of “side effects” that come from playing games, many of which is highly helpful as parents and disciplers of our kids. Aside from the more obvious parts of games like learning strategy or good teamwork (which truly are great skills to learn), there are some less tangible benefits that we get from playing games. Here are some of them:

It’s a great tool for encouragement. Games are places to see players do both some pretty awesome stuff and some pretty awful stuff (think Pictionary here, people). Every time someone does something cool or impressive—whether teammate or competitor—it’s a great opportunity to verbally encourage. And every time someone bombs or does something dumb, it’s a great chance to build them up and help them not get discouraged.

It’s a great tool to teach a Law that stands outside any of us. Despite our fluffy age of “following your heart”, games don’t allow for that. There are rules. Everyone has to follow them. It’s just a thing. Unless you’re one of those weird families that just make up your own “house rules” to everything (i.e. you just stink at following rules), the rules are an outside authority we are bound to obey in order to play the game. And it’s highly instructive to see which ones of my kids feel the need to buck against those rules (the prodigal rebels) and which ones are Nazis about following the rules (the legalists).

We get to help the sore loser. Sore losers abound in our family. I have a great many who resort to anger and/or pouting when they don’t win or things just don’t go the way they’d hoped. Losing is a means of embracing humility and rejoicing with those who rejoice. Besides, there are plenty of times in life when others around us will feel like they have “winning” lives while ours feel like loser lives. Sore losers come out in a number of ways.

We get to help the jerk winner. As much as I have sore losers, I also have punk winners. You know what I’m talking about: they brag and gloat and self-congratulate. This is an opportunity to remind the winners to mourn with those who mourn, seeing the sadness of losing in their brothers and sisters—and having compassion for them. Furthermore, it’s an opportunity to learn humility in the face of success—especially since in all games, there is some element of chance (the right roll of the dice, the right card drawn, an opponent’s mistake) that led to victory. Thus, a win is never truly “I did this!”

In disputes, we get to put to practice following Jesus in loving others more than ourselves. This is a biggie. It’s really easy in games to always work an angle, trying to get things our way or bend the rules our way or simple shout out in rage, “That’s not fair!!” But in playing games, there is always room to put others first and be willing to be defrauded for the sake of the gospel. So, in a moment of dispute like two players shouting the answer at the same time, having the grace and love to offer the point to the other player simply because the first will be last and the last will be first.

It’s a chance to fail in front of others, but it doesn’t matter. A loss hurts. There are frequently tears shed during or at the end of a game. Whether that’s because of poor performance or just poor “luck”, it hurts to lose. This is different from the sore loser, because this isn’t pouting but just plain old sadness because losing sucks. But in this, we get to find a place to lose that has no moral, physical, or financial effect. One of the coolest things about a game is that you can lose and then immediately say, “Let’s play again!” Losing in real life is so much harder, but the skill to mentally say “Let’s play again!” after a loss is so valuable.

It’s a chance to remind everyone that in order for there to be a winner, there has to be a lot of losers. When I’ve interviewed for jobs in the past, it has struck me that if ten of us applied for a single position, only one of us will get it and the other nine will be left with disappointment. Playing the odds, that means most of us spend our time as losers, not winners. And that’s true all over the place. Despite the inner desire we all have to always be winners, the fact is that we’re usually not. This is simply a fact of all games, but also a fact of life, too—one that I’m still trying to learn.

They get to see Mom and Dad mess up, too. Maybe I’m the only one here, but games sometimes bring out the worst in me, too. Sometimes I’m petty or will find a way to play the system or I’ll be grumpy when my time is getting stomped. In games, the kids get to see me in a tense and stressful situation—and they get to see me screw it up, too. So hopefully they also get to see me repent, confessing my sins freely. And on that note…

Games afford MANY opportunities to ask for and grant forgiveness. Games are like a cesspool for sinning against each other—yelling, cheating, pouting, accusing, taunting, insulting, mocking, etc., etc., etc. There are TONS of opportunities in games to ask forgiveness and confess sins for the stupid, sinful things we do. And that also means that there is lots of room for extending forgiveness and finding reconciliation, too.

We get to remember that it’s just a game. While I’ve just offered all of these real-life ways that games can help us disciple and train our kids, the fact is that they’re just games. And there are moments where trying to get that win becomes more important than anything else—more important than loving one another, more important than doing what’s right, more important than serving King Jesus. In those moments, we get to offer perspective and remind our kids that it really is just a game and doesn’t really matter worth anything. And the ability to see something inconsequential become our idol-of-the-moment—and then just be able to say, “It’s just a ____” is something I still wish I could learn to do.

These are a just a few of the side benefits that I’ve seen come out as we play games together as a family. What about you? How have you been able to train or disciple your kids through games?

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Discipling Our Kids as Individuals

A few folks have raised a question from Courtney’s last post about how we do life together as a family: how do we disciple our kids individually and how do we ensure that get enough individual attention from us? There are a few different ways I want to approach this because I think there’s a lot of clutter and assumptions we need to work through before really getting to the meat of that question. I hope you’ll show me a little patience as I work through that before getting to the answer I think most would expect.

1. How much is enough?

In meeting with people over the years for discipleship and the such, a question I frequently ask is “how often do you read your Bible or pray?” and I consistently get an answer along the lines of “not as much as I should.” Then I follow up with the question, “How much should you be?” which no one can really answer. There’s a deep shame that most carry around where however much time is spent on a worthwhile endeavor such as Bible reading, it’s never really “enough.” It seems to me that individual time with our kids would fall in a similar vein. There’s an unspoken expectation that our kids should get lots of alone time with us, and we never really do it enough.

This Enough Complex really has a set of problems all its own and bleeds into all kinds of areas: parenting, spiritual disciplines, eating well, exercise, serving others, caring for the poor, giving money, and on and on and on. We never do “enough” but we never really know what enough is–just that we’re falling short of it. I’m not even remotely arguing that we should just be content with our shortcomings. But I am trying to question how we have set some unstated standard which is probably impossible to meet and does nothing but drive us into shame and guilt instead of driving us into the Sabbath rest of the Savior, who has both accomplished our righteousness completely and given us his Spirit to make us into a new creation.

To sum up: what would be enough individual time with your kids? If you can’t give a definitive, faith-filled, convicted answer then you have a problem before we even start this conversation.

2. Why individual time?

I think this has become my shtick to ask “Why?” about everything, but here we are anyway. Moving past “enough,” I really want to question the foundations of individual time. If nothing else, we have a pressing biblical question to ask about what God requires of us as parents: Does he expect us to give individual time to each of our children and, if so, how much?

I’m going to go out on a limb here by saying: he doesn’t. So where does this idea for individual attention and the importance of it come from? I can’t pinpoint it, but I can assure you it’s a North American socially driven idea, not a biblical one. Now, the fact that it doesn’t come from the Bible doesn’t make it bad. The Bible doesn’t say to sleep with a blanket and I’m a mighty big fan of that, so that’s not the point here. But I would say that if someone wants to sleep without a blanket, then good for them–because it is not commanded or implied by Scripture.

What we’re really dealing with here is a pressure that exists because of our current social context that is driving our parenting priorities. I love individual time with my kids. I really do. But I am under no conviction that I must do so or that I must do so for a certain amount of time or frequency.

This is probably the point where the gut reaction against what I’m saying is coming out. “Don’t you think that all kids should get individual time? Don’t you think that’s important for individual development?” Again, I’m not arguing that they’re bad, but the assumption that they are necessary is the issue. And perhaps (in my context) our American superiority complex is coming out. There are plenty of cultures that spend almost no one-on-one time with their children–while still maintaining strong family connections. Shoot, the central premise of the British-cultured Harry Potter books is that the children spend 3/4 of the year completely separated from their parents. And no one bats an eye. But in America, one-on-one time is practically a non-negotiable.

I also strongly suspect that much of this comes from the shrinking family size of American families as well. With the preponderance of one- and two-children homes, individual attention for each child is either the norm or very easy to attain. Historically, that certainly hasn’t always been the case, nor is it true for many other non-Western cultures. Regardless of the causes, we’re standing on an expectation that is groundless from God’s perspective. There might be wisdom in it (like taking your kids to the dentist), but we need to place this conversation into the right context before trying to really parse it out.

3. Doesn’t God want something greater?

I think my big issue about all this is to see something greater that just a parent-child relationship. In Deuteronomy 6 after the great pronouncement that Yawhew is one God, we should love him completely, and we do that through obeying his commands, we’re told:

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

This isn’t a program. It’s not a kid date. It’s not even individualized. Parents are to impress upon their children the words of God. Why? So that they’ll know him, his mighty deeds, and his holy commands. And this isn’t at set times, but all the frickin’ time. The way we train our kids and invest in them is by continually pointing them to the Word, Jesus himself.

We do this at shared meals, while taking walks, on long drives, when playing games, when disciplining, when reading together, when praying together, when going on vacations, when fixing the leaky sink, when sweeping the floor, when cooking dinner, when loading the dishwasher, when getting the mail, when raking leaves, when throwing snowballs. It’s all the time, not just these set one-on-one times.

But more than that, individual time with our kids really needs to be geared toward something other than a deepened relationship with our children–and let’s be honest, that seems to be what most of the concerns are with individual attention. The Shema of Deut 6 is about continually pointing our children toward their True Dad in their True Family. We parent for only a little while. By faith, we believe that those who are our kids will one day be brothers and sisters, all of us sitting at the feet of our great Father. We’re not raising them to a closer relationship with us, but toward the infinitely relational God himself.

The fact is that our kids don’t actually need one-on-one time with us as their parents. We’re striving to raise our kids into Jesus–something far grander than us and our pale imitation of God’s family. And we are bringing our kids into God’s family. This is more than just a God-and-me religiosity, but the fact that God has called himself a people. This people is made up of individuals, but individuals called into a community.

Let’s even draw an analogy from Jesus’ time on Earth. He had his “family” of twelve who went along the road with him. He preached the kingdom to them in houses and along the road, as well as in the morning and in the evening. And as far as is recorded, he spends very little time one-on-one with each of his disciples. He brought them with them everywhere and used the opportunities of day-to-day life to train them toward the Father.

And are we really going to say that Jesus didn’t know his disciples personally and individually? That if only he’d spent a little more individual time with them, Judas wouldn’t have betrayed him or Peter wouldn’t have denied him? Jesus was perfect and he disciples his disciples perfectly.

Wrapping it up

Maybe it sounds like I’m giving very little direction about how to disciple our kids as individuals. In one sense, that’s true–I’m not helping build much and instead am trying to tear down a lot of unhelpful assumptions. Though I think that’s incredibly important, because we’re driven by our core convictions and if they don’t come from God’s Word, then we ought to question them. But in another sense, I’m advocating for discipling our kids in community and for community. I’m advocating for getting to know our kids not so much through individual time, but through the many ups and downs of daily life. I’m advocating for knowing our kids as individuals and discipling them as individual souls, but without feeling like we need all kinds of separate time with each to do that. I would argue that I know each of my kids, I know what they like and hate, I know their preferences, I know their sin struggles–and I know almost all of that from the variety of daily life situations we’re in, not from a kid date here and there.

And lest we be accused of being haters, we’ve posted in the past about how we pursue individual time with the kids. But the point of that time is to fill in any cracks that might come out of our parenting along the road of life. Some months, those individual items might go by the wayside–and we don’t sweat it, because our parenting is built on the gospel of Jesus, not on the quality of our planned one-on-one times.

Our Discipline Chart

There’s this funny thing that happens when friends come to our house for the first time. Often they take out their phones to snap a picture of a piece of paper I have posted in various places throughout the house. That paper is our discipline chart.

There’s nothing magical or pretty about it. When our two newest were placed with us, we wanted a visual for us and our kids to help everyone know discipline that would be given when needed. It was also helpful to show this to their case worker to make sure she approved of our methods.

DisciplineThe first two levels on our chart are far less about consequences than about helping the child regain focus. Oftentimes when a kid is acting out, they simply need to sit somewhere quietly to take a break, or oppositely, they need to burn some excess energy. So we tend to start here, especially in cases of self-control. Many times, that’s all that’s needed to get him back on track.

Journaling is listed on most of them, though that makes me smirk because we’ve actually required our kids to do it maybe twice. Don’t be jealous of our consistency. We do like the concept, though, so we keep it on the sheet in hopes that someday-maybe we’ll be good parents. The idea is to have them copy a passage of scripture and answer simple questions to be grounded in truth about the heart issue they’re struggling with.

As far as the other levels:

  • Loss of privilege is simply what it sounds like–not being able to do something you would normally have done. This could be watching a movie with the family, going to a special event, etc, for a short period of time.
  • If our kids have finished all their work for the day, they get 30 minutes of screen time. Which can also be taken away.
  • After dinner, kids who have eaten well get a small treat. Regardless of eating habits, though, we’ll snatch that cookie right out of your mouth if needed.
  • On top of daily chores, our kids can opt to do a paid chore, usually involving cleaning or yard work. If they reach this level, we’ll give them extra unpaid chores: same chores but without the moolah.
  • We try to give our children friend time at least once a week. That can go, too.
  • They can lose a toy, one they love, for a longer stretch of time or, in extreme circumstances, permanently.
  • Community service is hours determined by us to do work around the house/neighborhood. Seems fun at first, then the hatin’ it happens.

We certainly don’t use this list as a dogmatic form for parenting but more as a bucket list of ideas to use alongside belittling and yelling at them gospel instruction. Sometimes we skip straight to a lower level, sometimes we combine a few. Most things in life are gray, and what helps motivate a child once may not work again.

The Spirit is the one who changes hearts, not you and not me. Our ultimate goal with discipline should never be to “force a child to behave how you want them to.” Rather it should be a tool to teach them the folly of sin and point them to the only one who never disobeyed. And if you’re good at that, you can guest blog for us, cause we most certainly aren’t.