Kidisms

Theology 101:
Josiah: Did you know Jesus dies on the cross every time he gets sick?

When Ariana and her friends kept talking through a movie:
Me: Don’t make me Avada Kedavra your butts!
Renne (friend): You’re sometimes really hilarious and sometimes really creepy.

Victoria was looking at toys online for Miriam’s birthday. One toy caught her attention:
V: Whoa! That’s creepy!! Kind of makes me want to have it…

Not correlated at all…:
Esther: I’m not actually close to full. It’s just that my belly hurts.

It certainly works in your favor:
Josiah: Mom loves me a lot because I snuggle with her lots of times.

That’s one kind of reputation:
Liam: I have street cruds now.

Instructing Victoria on how to use a British accent well:
Miriam: You just have to say British stuff like “Bonjour.”

Such a humble apology:
Victoria: I’m sorry I’m such a fast runner.

Girls rule:
Esther: Women think snoring is disgusting. That’s why they don’t do it.

Some people just don’t get it:
Miriam: Does anyone know where the 13 Colonies sheet is?
Esther: I don’t know what that is.
Miriam: It’s the 13 Colonies sheet.

Reading stories of Jesus for our Lent tree:
Bill: What does the footstool represent?
Aiden: It’s for standing on to wash our hands!

Letting Josiah try a coffee M&M:
Josiah: Mmmmm!!! Could I try…seven more?

Subtle, Kid. So subtle:
Josiah: Mommy, what’s for lunch? Oh, look! I see a McDonald’s!

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Kidisms

Kindling the Fire
Victoria: I didn’t know daddy had that tablet.
Me: Oh, his Kindle?
Victoria: Yeah, his candle tablet!

Somebody call the cops!
Esther (watching me type up e-vites): Are you using those for investigations?
Bill: Do you mean invitations?

Literally literal
Bill (asking her what topic she’d written about): What did you write it on?
Esther: I wrote it on notebook paper

We call it “The South”
Ariana: Isn’t there another country that calls lunch dinner

It was out of his hands
Liam gave Josiah gum and told him not to swallow it. Five minutes later Josiah said: I’m sorry, Wiam. It slid down to my tummy.

The blood of Jesus doesn’t remove everything…
Victoria: Why is Miriam still crazy even though she’s been baptized!?

Them bones
Victoria: Why do we have bones?
Court: So we can stand and walk.
Josiah: Can babies walk?
Court: Not usually.
Josiah: Oh. So babies don’t have bones.

And the humblest
Josiah: Is Daddy cute?
Court: He’s the cutest!
Josiah: He’s not the cutest! I’m the cutest!

Come home already!
Josiah: How many minuses is Daddy’s work? [How many minutes till Daddy’s home?]

Kidisms

Which one is it?
Victoria (asking about praying before we ate): Can we pray in our heads?
Me: Yes.
Victoria: Okay. Can you pray for us then?

So, so tired
Victoria (after sitting in my lap for a while in the morning): I’m tired…
Me: Oh, you’re tired? Do you need to go back to bed then?
Victoria: No, I’m tired of sleeping.

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
Esther: I smell cookies.
Miriam: I don’t smell anything. All I smell is food.

I’m clearly funnier than you realize
Miriam (after saying something she thought was über-funny): Nobody’s laughing. Why?

Some people call them happy meals
Victoria: Why did you get us laughing meals?

Well, clearly I’m wrong here…
Bill: Come upstairs for a bath.
Victoria: But Daddy, I have nothing on me!

That’s an odd reason
Victoria (telling us why her usual dance teacher wasn’t there): My dance teacher was getting dressed. [She was at a dress rehearsal.]

Best joke ever
Miriam: Why do mommies and daddies say amen? Daddies do because they’re a-MEN.

Almost, but not quite
Game Question: What is the name of our galaxy?
Ariana: Oh, I know—the United States of America!

Talk about stinky
Miriam: I opened the outside trash can and it smelled really bad.
Me: Like your butt?
Miriam: No! It was worse!

No hypocrites allowed
Victoria: Josiah and Aiden were talking at the table when you told them not to.
Me: Oh really? Were you doing anything wrong, like maybe tattling on your brothers?
Victoria: Nope!

Trying to explain medical procedures to a four-year-old
Victoria (referring to Liam’s 2010 spinal surgery she’d just learned about): Liam went to the doctor and the doctor gave him a spinal cord!

Kidisms

Time to go back to the history books
After learning that the first IHOP was opened in 1958, Liam pondered, “Oh, so it looked just like this except they would have used candles instead of electricity?”

Ya gotta be sure about these things
During snack, Liam threw away all his blueberries because they had gone bad and got an apple instead:
Miriam: Can I get an apple, too, because my blueberries were bad?
Court: Yes.
Ariana: But she already ate all her blueberries!
Miriam: I was just seeing if they all tasted good!

I’m a doctor, not a saint
Liam: I learned an important lesson from watching Star Trek: Don’t say half the words the doctor says.

Snips and snails and puppy dogs’ tails
Liam: Why does it always have to be that girls are creative and boys just knock things down?

The trouble with homonyms
Ariana: Am I ever going to use any of my cents?

Bathroom humor
Liam’s first crack at making up his own joke:
Q: What did the man say when his toilet started leaking?
A: Oh, poop!

Kidisms

Dinnertime conversations:
Victoria: Mommy, I tooted in my mouth!
Me: Do you mean you burped?
Victoria: Yeah, I burped.

I’m so flattered:
Liam: Mom, we think you’re the second best draw-er in the house.
Me: Thanks!
Liam: Well, we used to think you were the worst…

We have room for improvement:
Bill: Everyone needs to go clean up the mess downstairs.
Liam: Is it cleaning day or is someone coming over?

For several months, Miriam told me I was pretty no matter what I looked like. Then this happened:
Miriam: Do you know why I always tell you you’re pretty?
Me: No.
Miriam: Because I think if I didn’t say that, I might get in trouble.

Is there a DeLorean around here?
Miriam: We watched “Back to the Future”!
Us (not knowing where or when they would have seen it): What!?
Miriam: It was something like that.
Ariana (trying to help): I know. That’s “Robin Hood”!
Us (baffled and speechless as to how Robin Hood and Back to the Future have anything to do with each other): …
Liam: Do you mean “Meet the Robinsons”?
Miriam and Ariana: Yes!

She’s always right:
Lindsay (V’s speech therapist, pointing to a picture of Olaf from “Frozen”): Is that Olaf?
Victoria: No, dat’s a sno-ma (snowman).
Lindsay: Isn’t his name Olaf?
Victoria: No, he’s sno-ma.